There is no guide book ….

I have always been a person who lives in the present. My husband plans everything at least five years in advance. More recently, in regards to our Bob, our roles have reversed.

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I am the one on the treadmill, not race, of our son’s life. Unlike a race, this treadmill, as of right now has no end to it. Navigating this autism journey causes me to ramp up the pace and incline for my boy. I run faster toward the solutions or fixes for the what ifs.
They may not even be there, the fixes, the solutions.

Because, as you all know, no one has a guidebook for this venture….no one……

My current what if is the looming thought of school. Kindergarten. Such a lovely word…brings joy to so many. But for me, kindergarten, like my fat ass is nagging at me right now. Too many what ifs, will he make friends, will he sit in circle, will he learn, will he like it…..(insert your own what if). I know as of right now..I can only prepare him, along with his team the best I can.

Because, as you all know, no one has a guidebook for this venture…no one….

Today, I let the what ifs wash away for a while. I picked up Bob from NT preschool an listened to his teacher talk to me about my son. She definitely does not have the guidebook or the answers. But, her heart is in the right place.

No one has a guidebook for this venture….no one…..

We went to McDonalds. It has the best playground in this small town. Bob played with another little boy about his age. They were having the best time. I watched the other child to compare my son to him, to quiet some of my what ifs about Bob. The boy flapped…his mother told me he had difficulty at preschool, and when they got ready to leave she would probably have to drag him out. You know what I thought..I don’t need to say it…

But we all know, no one has a guidebook…no one….

Suddenly, there was screaming at the top of the playground….not Bob, the other child. I panicked the what ifs came back again…what if Bob bit him..hit him…hurt him…..both the mother and I scrambled to the top of the playground…Bob had trapped the little boy in the car section..he wanted to get down..Bob wouldn’t let him….and Bob was laughing …while the other boy cried…..

I made my apologies to the flustered mother, and made Bob say sorry to the little fellow…I prepared myself..for her to berate me about my child..the what ifs running at full pace and incline….she didn’t scold me or my child..but she understood these things happen with kids…she said the kind words..but her face said something else….I wanted to tell her I am so sorry..I don’t have a guidebook or answers for my child’s behavior….

No one has a guidebook….no one…..

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