Hate me today

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you ~ Blue October

Music is so cathartic. It can lead you to a very happy place or remind you of the angst that lies within yourself. Normally, I choose the happy place…but last night I was plundering through my playlist and playing songs I haven’t heard in a while. Blue October popped up and pushed me to place I don’t like to travel to, in regards to Bob and his journey.

First therapy session..one month

After diagnosis I realized, that the worrying before hand, does not hold a candle to what comes after your child has been labeled. All the what ifs, are like cockroaches that breed and multiply and encompass your whole being. What was, no longer is tangible.

Bob is doing well. One year after therapy began, he is making progress. His language and behavior are remarkably different.
We had his monthly meeting with the therapists. The lead consultant tells me that he has surpassed her yearly plan way ahead of schedule. *stomp the cockroaches*. She also tells me that she is sure that Bob will be able to read beautifully. *stomp the cockroaches*. However, in the same breath she tells me, that even though he will possibly read, he may or may not be able to comprehend what he is reading. *cockroach infestation *

Bob’s therapist cancelled today. So, I filled in for her at his NT preschool. He has to have someone with him. He has to be redirected. I watched my son in music class. He sat in his chair, like the other kids. *stomp the cockroaches*. He did not however, do the motions or sing the songs like the rest. *infestation*. We went back to his class and the children did a craft. Bob did a great job of glueing and correlating the correct egg with the correct number, even better than his classmates. *stomp the cockroach*. However, when he went to circle time, he would not sit and listen like the other students. When he became a disruption for the class I removed him.* infestation*. The kids never said a word, they just stared as we left the group.

At this stage of the game, Bob does not realize that he is different. Nor, does he miss attention from others. He will one day, I think. But for right now….I pray for an ounce of peace..for my child and myself……enough said..am sure there will be more..this journey is long.
Bob’s Mommy


4 thoughts on “Hate me today

  1. I know right where you are. I have been there so many times with my boys. I would love to say in time you don’t have to have these moments but I can’t. I do know that the cockroaches may always be there waiting to infest but they can always be stomped. I don’t know if I will ever be in a place where I won’t cry for my children because they have to work so damn hard for what comes so easily to other kids. But maybe I shouldn’t, maybe that’s what it takes to have the strength to be the voice and advocate that my kids need right now, and one day hopefully they will have learned how to be their own advocates because they watched their momma put on her game face when it was required and made sure that the message was heard. I know these days are so hard and sometimes you just say “this sucks!” But then that day comes where they do something so amazing there are no words for it and it is so much more wonderful because they have done it in their own way which somehow makes it that much more beautiful.

    Love and hugs my friend

  2. I know that our Lord is wrapped around you and Bob (stomped the cock roaches); I know that your approach and deployment to Bob’s therapy is right on target (bomb the cock roaches); I know that your network transfuses your energy into the folks around you and helps all reading about you and Bob’s journey (block the cock roaches). With that said take a deep breadth and enjoy the day at Clemson. I know it is beautiful up there this time of year.


    Your Daddy and Bob’s Grand Daddy (Go Bob)

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